It's safe, I swear
by Th 1998
Summary: Roman has been... 'asked' by Cinder to visit the local White Fang hideout and explain to them the details of her totally sound plan to drive into Vale with a rigged train and why the hell this would be a good idea.


**Disclaimer: To no one's surprise ever, I do not own anything.**

**Just another one of my short humor fics. This time the focus is Roman and not Ozpin. The difference is that while Ozpin is a troll Roman is simply being a dick... I mean, so is Ozpin but he is it more on purpose, you get what I mean.**

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Roman was not having a good day.

''Remind me again why we are visiting the zoo Neo?''

Neo's form morphed into a cackling Cinder.

''Would it kill you to answer normally?''

She wobbled her hand unsurely.

''Well, as long as you are happy.''

She nodded enthusiastically, at least one of them had fun. Looking in front of them he could see an inconspicuous door, or at least it would have been if not for the huge

BLACK CLAW MEETING PLACE  
(we totally aren't the White Fang)

sign flashing in green neon light above it.

He was not paid enough for this shit... now that he thought about it he wasn't even sure if he was being paid at all. Did Criminals have worker unions?

''Neo, inform the... Faunus?... Fauni?... Inform the animals of our arrival.''

She just raised an eyebrow and a sign.

''Really?''

''... right, forgot about that... where do you get all those signs from anyways?''

She just shrugged her shoulders, figures, because why would anything make sense for once?

''Fine, I will do it myself.''

He walked over to the door and carefully knocked before informing them of his coming in his usual charming manner.

''OY FIDO, OPEN UP, YOU CAN TAKE YOUR FLEA BATH LATER!''

Nailed it.

The Faunus that was tasked with opening the door clearly wasn't happy, he wondered why?

''My name is not Fido. I am not even a dog, see, rabbit ears?''

And indeed, upon her head rested two rabbit ears.

''Whatever Fido, what is your name then?''

Her voice grew suddenly very silent and she quickly mumbled.

''..._Hops._''

A grin began to spread on his face.

''What was that? I am afraid I couldn't understand you, did you Neo?''

She just shook her head with a grin matching his own.

This time her voice was the tiniest bit louder.

''_I said it was Hops._''

Oh, this was just golden.

''Nope, still nothing. Ah well, Fido it is then I guess.''

This finally did it.

''FINE, IT'S HOPS, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW ASSHOLE?''

What a rude girl.

''Well that wasn't very nice of you, I was just trying to be nice you know?''

Neo already had another sign in hand.

''Yeah, shame on you.''

The Faunus looked like she was seriously thinking about just shooting them, that she would not even survive long enough to draw her gun probably never even occurred to her.

''Is there a particular reason you are here Torchwick?''

''Glad that you ask fetish fodder. I have decided to grace you with my presence because I have a new plan to share with you.''

I seemed that this was not enough for her so he elaborated.

''Cinder might or might not have forced us to kick your worthless buts into shape because as of now we would be better off using actual animals.''

The rabbit's right eye started to twitch. He should probably defuse the situation.

''Don't mind my jokes, we wouldn't do that. Can you imagine the flak we would get if we put actual animals in danger?''

Neo, smirk still on her face, held up another sign

''Yeah, people actually care about those.''

And people said they couldn't be nice.

Suddenly the large form of the white fang Lieutenant appeared.

''I would say that it is nice to see you again but I would be lying .''

''And here I thought there was something special between us.''

''Get to the point.''

Did no one appreciate a good conversation nowadays?

''Fine, I come to bring you news about a new plan my dear Lieutenant.''

''I do have a name too you know.''

Roman did know. Why the Lieutenant seemed to think that he would care about it was beyond him tough.

''Sure you do, let's get to the plan now.''

''Fine, come in, we do not want to people to notice anything strange going on.''

Ignoring the Irony in the large man's demand, he followed him into the... hideout. Roman had seen street thugs with better organized hideouts, cleaner as well.

''So Torchwick, was it that plan you were talking about?''

Okay, now would come the hard part, convince those idiots that Cinders batshit insane plan was actually a good idea.

''Well, we will set up a base at Mountain Glenn''

''Okay.''

''Then we will gather a fuckton of dust.''

''Okay.''

''Then we will load it on a train.''

''Okay.''

''And then we will go on the train and drive it right into Vale and blow it up.''

''Ok- wait what?''

So not even those guys were stupid enough to just fall for that, pity.

''Is there something wrong?''

The Lieutenant gave him a flat look.

''You mean aside from your plan consisting of turning a train into a huge ass bomb and then boarding it?''

He just waved it off.

''Don't worry it's all perfectly safe.''

He could see Neo pulling out another sign.

''Sure, 'save' ''

He gave her a light nudge with his cane and she seemed to realize the situation they were in again and quickly switched the sign.

''I mean, of course, totally safe.''

The Lieutenant didn't seem to be convinced.

''It really doesn't sound safe.''

Okay, he had to make sure that he brought up a waterproof and well-grounded argument now.

''Ehm, Adam said it was a good idea?''

...

That was just embarrassing. He was a master criminal, he could do better than that. As if anyone would be stupid enough to believe that.

''He did?''

...

...

Right, forgot who he was talking to.

''Oh yes, he said something about paying back humans with fire and blood, isn't that right Neo?''

She gave an innocent looking nod, she was very good at that.

The Lieutenant seemed to contemplate Romans words.

''Mmmh, yes, that does sound like him.''

''... it does? I mean yes, of course it does.''

No wonder they didn't get anything done.

But the Lieutenant wasn't completely convinced yet.

''But wouldn't we kill just as many Faunus as humans?''

''I must admit that a few Faunus will probably fall prey to the attack as well, but aren't they a small price to pay for your freedom?''

The Lieutenant seemed to think about it.

''Will that really help us gain more freedom?''

''Of course, nothing is better at convincing people that you deserve better treatment than killing a bunch of completely innocent people and destabilizing an entire kingdom, they love such stuff.''

''If you say so.''

Would it truly take that long to simply teach a bunch of apes how to use rifles instead?

''What about the Huntsman?''

He just rolled his eyes.

''We are starting a base in Mountain Glenn, as if any hunter would find their way there.''

Honestly, the ideas some people got.

The Lieutenant gave a nod.

''Okay, I will start moving our soldiers towards Mountain Glenn.''

Well, that went better then expected, even if he found the classification of the White Fang rabble as soldiers questionable at best. He got ready to get on his way again when the Lieutenant stopped him.

''You will of course help with the logistics?''

Damn it.

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Against all of Romans expectations, the construction of the new base had gone well and they had almost finished their preparations. Everything was going smoothly and there were no mistakes being made. In other words, he was bored.

''Hey Neo?''

She turned her equally bored looking face towards his while pulling out another sign from god knows where.

''Yes?''

''It's just that I thought about something.''

A new sign took the place of the old one.

''You can do that?''

''Cute''

Better not tell her that it actually kinda was, this whole sign stuff was just adorable.

She just gave him a smug smile that made it clear that she knew exactly what he was thinking.

''Anyways, the White Fang managed to establish a secure base in this place, right?''

She gave him a look that made it clear that she had no clue where he was going with it.

''Well, it's just that if those fucks can create a secure base in such a short time then how the hell did Vale fuck this up?''

She seemed to think over it for a few seconds before snapping her fingers and producing another sign.

''Murphys Law.''

He just stared blankly at her.

''Don't be stupid Neo, that is not how thinks actua-''

A White Fang soldier appeared.

''Sir, we have spotted a huntress in the base near the train.''

...

...

...

''I hate my life.''

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**Yes, I am aware that Neo can produce those signs with her semblance but that would ruin the joke. Well, anyways, I don't have much to say, after all this was just a simple short humor fic. I hope I managed to amuse you at least a bit. **

**As always I am happy over every review.**

**This story has been beta read by Murphy Sl4w**


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